As Christians, we have the opportunity to be the most identity-certain people in the world.  We are sons and daughters of God (1 John 3:1, John 1:12, Hosea 1:10, Galatians 4:5, etc.), and so we have an anchor and an identity and a destiny in Him.  However, due to trying to impress other people, living for the world, and the devil’s whispers that we’re sinners (and too bad to be redeemed in certain parts of our life), many of us still cling to lies about ourselves that lead us to dislike or even hate ourselves.

There is freedom from self-dislike/self-hatred.  But before we go there, here are a few ways that we sometimes engage in self-dislike/self-hatred.

Traits of Self-Hatred in Christians

1. When they are honored or respected, they feel the need to put themselves down.  Often, this is verbal, but it may also be mental.  For example, someone receives a compliment that their haircut is very nice.  They think, “You’re just saying that so you don’t have to compliment my face,” or, “It makes up for the mess I made of work last week,” or, “You’re just being nice; it’s not really that great.”  In the church, we see this as a form of humility, when in reality, it’s self-sabotage.

2. They needlessly deny themselves basic or more extravagant needs and desires, often under the guise of “humility.”  For example, it would be easier to get a free accounting program, but they choose to “suffer for Christ” by using the old, time-consuming, and potentially inaccurate paper ledgers.  Or they know they could fix some of their character issues with counseling, but they choose to “practice patience and perseverance” and stay in bondage to the things that keep them from abundant life.

3. They punish themselves.  The blood of Christ isn’t enough for them, so they feel they must punish themselves or “make up for” weakness, sin, etc.  This can also manifest as an obsession with doing physical activities that test their strength and stamina – cross-fit, marathons, FKTs, etc.  (Some people just like doing hard things, so this in itself is not necessarily an indicator of self-hatred.)

4. They struggle with depression and/or anxiety.  There are many things (including chemical malfunctions) that can cause depression and anxiety, but one is self-hatred.  This is especially true when the person is trying to cover up their inadequacy to ensure that no one – no one – ever finds out what a horrible person they “are.”

5. Their thought life is filled with put-downs and reminders of how they don’t measure up.  “I messed that up, as usual,” “I don’t know why anyone would like me,” “No one really wants to be around me,” “That was a silly thing to do/say,” “I’m a [bad, weak, terrible, ugly, lazy, etc.] person,” “I’m a burden,” and “I’ll never measure up/make it in life” are a consistent narrative, no matter how good or bad their life is at the moment or how many examples of the opposite of their narrative is present in their life.

6. They need to be the “best” person around.  I’ve met far too many people who needed to be the best – the wealthiest, the strongest, the most creative, the holiest, the greatest – person in the room, on social media, in the church, etc.  It often stems from self-hatred: The idea that “I need to prove that I’m not as weak and horrible as I believe I am.”

7. Their trust in God is limited because they feel that they must somehow “measure up” in their own strength.

8. They engage in some form of self-harm/self-maltreatment.  While we tend to think of this in terms of cutting, a spirit of suicide, eating disorders, and similar, it can be quite a lot quieter and more socially acceptable.  Refusing to eat when they’re hungry, intentionally taking on more responsibility than they can possibly handle, shrugging off personal hygiene, wearing unflattering clothing, and subtly pleading for others to put them down (to confirm that they’re a terrible or worthless person) are a few examples.

But there is good news!  You don’t have to continue to live in self-hated.

Things that you can do to begin the journey out of self-hatred:

1. Find what God says about you and how He sees you.  Ruminate on each thing until you actually believe it – and refuse any thought that goes against what the Bible says God says about you.  Here’s a great list to get you started.

2. Pay attention to your thoughts.  Whenever a self-demeaning thought comes up, refuse it and reframe it.  For example, “It’s just my luck that it’ll rain on my party” could be reframed, “I hope it doesn’t rain.”  Or, “I always say the wrong thing” can be reframed, “Well, I can learn from this what not to say next time.”  Words have power, whether they’re thought or spoken, and we can drastically change our lives just by speaking positively in our thought lives.

3. If you see a specific trait of self-hatred in yourself, work to move your mental and physical body toward a healthier place.  It may mean asking a friend to go shopping with you to find some nicer clothing, carrying granola bars so you can eat when you’re hungry, scheduling regular time for healthy exercise, setting up boundaries so you get enough sleep, or saving up to buy that program that would save you hours of computer time every week.

4. Make time for things that you love and that make you feel good.  Yes, reading the Bible and prayer can help – a lot.  (In fact, if these activities bring shame, you’re probably listening to the devil, and – well, go back to the first exercise.)  But this doesn’t have to be limited to so-called “spiritual” activities.  Meet up with friends.  Read a book.  Take a hike.  Learn a new skill like jewelry-making, quilting, blacksmithing, or something even more techy.  Spend an hour soaking in the bathtub.  Take that deep breath and enjoy yourself without guilt.

5. Sort out truth vs. negative beliefs.  A trusted friend or family member can be helpful here.  Is what you believe about yourself true?  Or are you basing your negative opinion on one or two things?  For example, if you think you’re a terrible parent because you snapped at your child yesterday, that’s one small instance when the child is thriving under your care.  Or you believe no one wants to be around you simply because of some friends’ negative words when the reality is that other friends truly love you and love hanging out with you.  Choose to believe the positive instead of condemning yourself.

6. Remember that your body is extremely complex.  Maybe you’re exhausted after a hard week of work.  Or you have health issues that impact one or more aspects of life.  These aren’t excuses for not doing what you know is right, but do give yourself grace.

7. Stop the comparison game.  This is subtle, especially since it’s ingrained in our culture from the time we’re born.  If you need to be the best person in the room, or if you find yourself ashamed or depressed after being around others who you think are prettier, more fit, etc. than you, ask God to help you take your eyes off of them and onto Him – His burden really is lightweight and easier to carry than any comparison you might try to hoist onto your own back.

8. Practice being vulnerable with trusted friends and family.  Put down the guards.  Be yourself.  It’s amazing how freeing it is to not try to hide your weakness or be someone you’re not.

And of course, invite God into your journey.  Jesus said that He came to give us abundant life – life in fullness (John 10:10) – and walking with Him is a beautiful road to freedom.