If you’ve been in the Christian faith for any amount of time, you’ve probably heard sermons and admonitions against gossip. That’s in part because gossip is such an enormous problem in many churches, and in an attempt to bring some kind of love and affection out of the chaos, we hear that we’re not supposed to gossip. Paul even equated gossip with other sins like arrogance, slander, jealousy, and fits of rage (2 Corinthians 12:9). But what, exactly, is gossip, and how can we avoid it?

Some people have told me something to the effect of, “If you mention another person, you have the high probability that you’re gossiping about them.” That’s a hard and extreme definition, and even when I heard it, I was pretty sure it wasn’t accurate. To say, “My parents went to the grocery store yesterday and bought strawberries,” …well, that’s certainly not automatically gossip.

Earlier this year I read an autobiography of an actor. It was one of the most uninteresting autobiographies I’ve ever read. Why? Because he wanted to only tell his own story – not the stories of others. While I totally appreciate the sentiment – especially since I’m sure he had plenty of fodder to gossip about and even bash some of the people he had known and worked with over the years – it also made for a story where nothing ever happened. He could give facts: I worked on Broadway, I acted in this movie, I met this actress, I auditioned for this director, and (his favorite line) “I’m so grateful for that experience.” But there was nothing human about it. No stories. No experiences. Just a list of dates and sterile happenings in a somewhat narrative form.

The same is true with our lives. We and our lives are not made up of sterile happenings, a list of dates and people we’ve met. We’re living, breathing creatures who interact with other living, breathing creatures, and that will include emotions, words, perspectives, and happenings that may or may not be 100% good or 100% bad. We can’t possibly live and talk only about ourselves. That’s called being self-focused, and it’s hard to say if gossip or being completely self-focused is worse in the long run.

Nor is gossip always speaking negatively. For one thing, there’s nothing wrong with recognizing evil or danger, and depending on how it’s done, there’s real value in pointing out the evil or danger in specific times and situations. No one is going to say, “Oh, you shouldn’t tell someone to get off the railroad track because there’s a train coming. You might be gossiping about the locomotive engineer.” Secondly, you can talk about a person in extremely positive words and yet still end up with gossip.

Thankfully, I heard a definition of gossip recently that overcomes the “you can’t talk about anyone” and the “no talking negatively” problems.

Gossip is when you speak to someone in such a way as to intentionally or unintentionally try and shift or reinforce their perspective about another person.

Using the strawberry example above, there’s nothing wrong with telling, say, my sister that our parents went to the store. However, if I tell her the same information in such a way that I insinuate – intentionally or unintentionally – that they are wasting money on out-of-season strawberries, then it’s just gone from a perfectly normal conversation to gossip.

I also want to add to that definition:

Gossip is also when you tell someone something about another person that is not yours to speak about.

See Proverbs 11:13. till using the strawberry example, if my parents bought the strawberries for my sister as a surprise, and I tell her before they have a chance, I can be guilty of gossip. (Assuming I knew that it was their surprise, etc. – mistakes aren’t typically gossip.)

So how can we avoid gossip? First, if you’re going to talk about another person, think first: Is what I’m going to say trying to manipulate another person’s perspective, probably negatively? Is this something that I can share in good faith? Does the other person really need to know this? Am I saying this out of frustration or hurt, or have I let frustration or hurt manipulate how I see the person I’m talking about?

Second, if someone is gossiping to you, it is your responsibility to get out of that conversation. By listening to them, not only is your perception being twisted, but you’re also participating in their sin (1 Timothy 5:22). The information often tastes very sweet, but it will eventually separate close friends (Proverbs 18:8; 16:28). Keep yourself free from this stuff!

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors, but through knowledge the righteous escape. Proverbs 11:9

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. James 4:11

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies. Psalm 34:13