Last week, I started talking about spiritual mothers and fathers / spiritual sons and daughters: The function they take, roles each plays, how they help each other, and practical tips for doing it well. Today, I’d like to delve a little deeper into spiritual parenthood and being a receptive spiritual child, too.

Father/Mother Relationships Must Have an Authority Structure

I’m not talking about a dictator here. But unless there is some amount of authority in a situation, you have two friends, not a parent-child relationship.

A teen told me once, “My neighbor has been more of a father to me than my real father ever was.” Now, I happened to be privy to both relationships, and I said (or maybe didn’t say) something like, “Your neighbor is a great guy, and he loves you. But he’s not your father. You have no accountability toward him, and he isn’t raising you, helping you grow, or dealing with consequences if you don’t submit to his authority.” Fathers and Mothers are only effective when they’re doing more than cheering you on (more on that in a moment). Parents also have to correct, train, listen to, and even sometimes discipline (not punish – I’ll explain in a minute) the child.

Note: Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. If I do something wrong, and I’m punished for it, it’s because someone decides I’ve done wrong and wants to cause me pain because of my wrongdoing. Discipline is unto something else – I might discipline my body with healthy food and workouts, or maybe I need to learn how to be kind to people who aren’t kind to me. This isn’t causing pain because I was bad; it’s learning to thrive and do right.

Spiritual Daughters/Sons Get to Learn Submission

Oh, how I don’t really like talking about this! But it goes with what I said above. A child has to learn what submission looks like, and it’s usually easier (more long-lasting?) to learn it with someone that you can see vs. someone that you can’t see (Christ).

I read a story many years ago about Sir Francis Drake, the first documented sea captain to sail around the globe. When he was 12 or 14, the captain of the ship on which he sailed died, leaving the ship in his will to young Francis. Of course, the young man was ecstatic to own and be captain of a ship. But his brother told him, “Listen, you’ve got to sell the ship. You need to say ‘yes, sir,’ for a few more years. Save the money, and when you’re more mature, buy another ship.” Young Francis was less than enthused with this idea, but after some thought, the agreed. He simply wasn’t mature enough to be a captain yet.

Learning to say, ‘yes, sir/ma’am’ isn’t necessarily fun all of the time. But to be a good leader, you have to be good at submission, first. Which brings me to my next point…

Spiritual Sons/Daughters Should Not Submit to Evil

When God wants to mature someone, it’s not uncommon that He places them in a situation where someone that they trust will tell them something untrue or contrary to what God has told them. This is an incredibly humbling and maturing experience, because how they handle it shows their maturity level. Will they rebel and go with God? Will they give up what God has said to respect, honor, and submit to the person they trust? Or will the honor the trustworthy person with humility, yet also stand firm that they have to do what God has said? (I could talk quite a while about creative strategies to obey God while still submitting, but I won’t go there now.)

If a spiritual Mother or Father tells a person to do evil, or to act in an evil way, there is no excuse for following those instructions. We are still in charge of our own actions and responsible to God for our choices. Just because someone is in authority doesn’t mean they are charged with our actions on judgment day. But if we need to either not submit or not follow instructions in an area, we need to make absolutely certain there is no rebellion in our hearts, and that we can do it with honor (and with them and their approval, if at all possible).

Spiritual Mothers/Fathers Get to Cheer On their Spiritual Children

One of the biggest things a father or mother can do is to cheer on their children. Parenthood isn’t all about saying “No.” It’s also about saying “Yes,” and supporting the child’s choices and decisions, especially as they mature. In a spiritual parent/child relationship, if you find yourself always correcting and rebuking, chances are the relationship is not the best it could be, and you’re very likely to stir up resentment as much as help them grow.

Spiritual Relationships should Never Become Co-dependent

It feels good to be needed, and it feels good to lean on someone else, especially when you’re young and still trying to find your way in the world of Christ. But a co-dependent relationship will only harm both parties. Be supportive, be empathetic, share your heart – but also learn to either grow your own relationship with Christ and cast your burdens upon Him (1 Peter 5:7), or else to leave the care of the son/daughter in God’s hands rather than taking care of them in your own strength. The same is true for a spiritual child – they should not become so dependent on their parent that they can’t function without them.

Keep Journals of What is Learned or Taught

This goes for both the parent and the child in a spiritual relationship. It’s good to keep records first so that it helps the lessons solidify in our brains. Second, it’s a great reference point to go back to, either when we need encouragement/direction or when we find ourselves mentoring another Christian in the future. It can also be very helpful much later when we are trying to remember what was said or taught vs. how we interpreted the situation.

I hope this has helped demystify the idea of spiritual fathers and mothers/spiritual daughters and sons a little bit. In this season, I see God using these types of relationships to disciple and lift up Christians of all ages and denominations. Remember that His goal in these situations is to create family – not robots or servants, but family that knows, trusts, and honors each other just like Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit know, trust, and honor each other.