Genuine compliments are nice things. They help you know how people are receiving the love or service you’re giving, what speaks to them or is meaningful to them, and even if you have a gift in one area or another that you might not have noted yet. Compliments can’t be trusted to help you “figure out yourself” – that’s looking to people rather than to God for your identity – but they can be helpful in loving people more. (I’m well aware that compliments have been misused to put down, manipulate, flatter, and even abuse – that’s not what I’m talking about in this post.)
For example, let’s say you make a nice dinner. A friend enthuses over the table decorations. You’ve just learned through the compliment that she is very aware of and appreciative of the aesthetics as well as the food and friendship. Moving forward, you can gather a few things: 1) Maybe you’re good at creating table centerpieces! 2) The aesthetics are important, so when dealing with her, be aware of blessing her through the little touches like special napkins at dinner or ribbons or bows on a gift. 3) When you go over to her house, you might want to at least make verbal note of her own table decorations, especially if it’s obvious that she’s put some work into them. Her compliment allows you to find ways to bless her in the future.
However, compliments aren’t always easy to accept, especially in our churches where we’ve come to believe, “Never accept a compliment; it will make you proud.” (That comes from Jesus’ words in Luke 17:10: “So you also, when you have done everything commanded of you, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”) It can get pretty awkward at times, especially when someone is complimenting you into a place of putting you up on a pedestal. But the truth is that – at least with genuine compliments – the kind words are meant to bless, not to puff you up.
A compliment is a type of encouragement; a type of blessing. Someone sees something good or beautiful and wants to give back a little bit of the blessing they received from experiencing what you’ve done or been. So they give a compliment as a sort of “thank you;” an expression of their gratefulness.
For example, let’s say you plant a lovely garden. Someone walks by and says, “What beautiful flowers!” They’re not trying to make you proud. Far from it! They enjoyed the blooms; now they’re expressing their gratefulness in the form of a compliment. Plain and simple.
When you deflect a compliment, you’re effectively barring the person from blessing you with their gratefulness. You’re also cutting off the blessing they just spoke over you. “That’s a beautiful garden!” carries the power to help you be an even better gardener. “I love the way you sing,” helps you be a better singer. “Your message really touched me,” helps you receive more power to be able to communicate truths next time. Words have power.
It takes a mature person to be able to accept the blessing from a compliment without also accepting the arrogance the compliment can produce. But it’s totally possible to do, especially with the power of the Holy Spirit.
Paul said to the Romans, “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up” (15:2). That sounds like compliments to me. And to the Ephesians, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up” (5:29). Genuine compliments build others up because they carry a blessing to help them excel in that area.
Maybe we need to practice both giving and receiving genuine compliments. “Thank you,” goes a long way. So does a smile and/or a physical or verbal acknowledgment that you appreciate their compliment. And I love unique compliments that go further than a general, “you did something good but I can’t explain what.” The more we practice, the easier it will be to receive the blessing without the pride, and better we’ll get at building each other up.
